I had a conversation with a friend the other day.
I was struggling with how I was feeling about a particular situation. My feelings were strong and I was making choices based on these feelings that I didn't like very much. This kept happening over and over and I was starting to get frustrated with myself. I was starting to feel like a butterfly captured in a net.
Have you ever felt that way? Are you ever overwhelmed by feelings you wish you didn't have and make choices you wish you hadn't made? Do you want to stop both these feelings and the choices?
I will tell you how to do both in a moment. But first, let me tell you what happened to me. As my friend and I were talking about my feelings, and as he was telling me how best to cope with them, I had a huge insight. I realized my feelings were not mine at all, and that because of that I didn't have to act on them. I was free, no longer having to take any action I did not fully choose.
Let me explain. Contrary to popular belief, feelings don't just happen to us. Feelings are a direct result of an internal conversation, which is often so subtle, quick and quiet we don't even know it's there. We say something to ourselves as a reaction to external stimuli and those words create a reaction inside of us - feelings.
External stimuli, real or perceived #32; >>>> #32; thoughts and words to self #32; >>>> #32; feelings
Let me show you an example. Go to the mirror and look at yourself. Now say something very negative about your weakest attribute. Keep saying it. OK, how do you feel? You may have started to feel sad, angry, or frustrated, or started promising yourself to make changes.
Now, say something very positive about your best attribute, and say it as many times as you said the negative words. OK, how do you feel now? You may feel brighter, lighter, more like smiling and being kind.
You see, you just created your own feelings. This is what happens to us constantly - we have feelings as a result of giving messages to ourselves. Now, not all feelings need to be changed. What if you are having feelings that stop you from taking the action you want to take to have a better life and more love?
For example, what if you want to lose weight, but dieting makes you feel depressed or deprived and then you seem to have no control over making poor food choices. Or, what if you have feelings of being too scared or too depressed to meet new people and so you end up alone? What do you do then?
Listen for the messages you are speaking to yourself which create your feelings. Examine and understand the origin of these messages. Choose whether you want to continue to listen to these messages or to dismiss them as not reflecting who you are any longer. Chances are that the messages in your head are not even your thoughts. Someone could have told you that love doesn't last. Or someone told you that true love is hard to find. Or that the way to keep a relationship is to give up on what you want.
Alternatively, you could have created your own message as a result of misperceiving a situation, or to keep yourself safe. Of course, a message designed to keep you safe that instead makes you miserable has outlived its validity.
The messages you could be saying to yourself are as individual as you are, and yet if they are creating feelings you don't want you can:
- Catch the message and you will catch the root of your feelings
- Stop the message by identifying the origin of it - where you got it, why you started saying it to yourself - and you will stop the feelings from returning
- Dispute the validity of the message, every time you hear it in your head, and you will find freedom to act you as you choose, according to what YOU want and need
Of course, with freedom of action will come different results - love, happiness, peace...whatever you might want.
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