How to Change Your Feelings About Anything That Stops You

I had a conversation with a friend the other day.

I was struggling with how I was feeling about a particular situation. My feelings were strong and I was making choices based on these feelings that I didn't like very much. This kept happening over and over and I was starting to get frustrated with myself. I was starting to feel like a butterfly captured in a net.

Have you ever felt that way? Are you ever overwhelmed by feelings you wish you didn't have and make choices you wish you hadn't made? Do you want to stop both these feelings and the choices?

I will tell you how to do both in a moment. But first, let me tell you what happened to me. As my friend and I were talking about my feelings, and as he was telling me how best to cope with them, I had a huge insight. I realized my feelings were not mine at all, and that because of that I didn't have to act on them. I was free, no longer having to take any action I did not fully choose.

Let me explain. Contrary to popular belief, feelings don't just happen to us. Feelings are a direct result of an internal conversation, which is often so subtle, quick and quiet we don't even know it's there. We say something to ourselves as a reaction to external stimuli and those words create a reaction inside of us - feelings.

External stimuli, real or perceived #32; >>>> #32; thoughts and words to self #32; >>>> #32; feelings

Let me show you an example. Go to the mirror and look at yourself. Now say something very negative about your weakest attribute. Keep saying it. OK, how do you feel? You may have started to feel sad, angry, or frustrated, or started promising yourself to make changes.

Now, say something very positive about your best attribute, and say it as many times as you said the negative words. OK, how do you feel now? You may feel brighter, lighter, more like smiling and being kind.

You see, you just created your own feelings. This is what happens to us constantly - we have feelings as a result of giving messages to ourselves. Now, not all feelings need to be changed. What if you are having feelings that stop you from taking the action you want to take to have a better life and more love?

For example, what if you want to lose weight, but dieting makes you feel depressed or deprived and then you seem to have no control over making poor food choices. Or, what if you have feelings of being too scared or too depressed to meet new people and so you end up alone? What do you do then?

Listen for the messages you are speaking to yourself which create your feelings. Examine and understand the origin of these messages. Choose whether you want to continue to listen to these messages or to dismiss them as not reflecting who you are any longer. Chances are that the messages in your head are not even your thoughts. Someone could have told you that love doesn't last. Or someone told you that true love is hard to find. Or that the way to keep a relationship is to give up on what you want.

Alternatively, you could have created your own message as a result of misperceiving a situation, or to keep yourself safe. Of course, a message designed to keep you safe that instead makes you miserable has outlived its validity.

The messages you could be saying to yourself are as individual as you are, and yet if they are creating feelings you don't want you can:

• Catch the message and you will catch the root of your feelings
• Stop the message by identifying the origin of it - where you got it, why you started saying it to yourself - and you will stop the feelings from returning
• Dispute the validity of the message, every time you hear it in your head, and you will find freedom to act you as you choose, according to what YOU want and need

Of course, with freedom of action will come different results - love, happiness, peace...whatever you might want. 

Original Source

http://www.singlescafe.net/perceived-feelings.html

Are long-distance relationships healthy?

Once upon a time, boy met girl at a club, the office, or through close friends. Today, many homegrown love stories are becoming nostalgic relics of the past. As it becomes more difficult to fit socializing time into our busy lives, singles are looking further afield for romance andrelationships. Facebook flings, email liaisons, and flirtations sparked during vacations or business trips—it's common to know someone in the throes of the agony and ecstasy that only a long-distance affair can bring. But are these exhilarating romances bad for our health?

At first glance, a long-distance relationship appears full of excitement, but the stress of dealing with the unknown, and putting one’s life on hold until you’re together again can cause all sorts of health upsets, both emotionally and physically. Toronto marriage counsellor Beth Mares says that there are pros and cons to such a union. "For some people, a long-distance relationship is easier," says Mares. "Some individuals need a lot of space, and don’t have the self-assurance to establish [that need] when they’re living with someone." She also notes that people who value their careers above relationships find geographically challenged dalliances ideal, as they don’t compete with their job for attention.

However, "most people aren’t satisfied with that," says Mares. "Most are pretty anxious to get together." While the more independent-minded or career-driven might like this arrangement, many people find the negatives strongly outweigh any advantages. The ultimate goal is for both parties to leave behind the long distance love story, and unite in the same city.

Avoiding "the dating effect"

When time and money cooperate, the best tonic to keep love alive across the miles is being together. While couples relish the thrill of ecstatic reunions, Mares warns against getting carried away with "the dating effect," where partners wine and dine each other during their short spell together, but fail to deal with the real issues of real life. "A long-distance relationship can often mask a situation that won’t work," she says.

Couples should enjoy the romance of their situation, but also discuss the issues that all must face: where to live, opinions on finances and religion, and most importantly, whether they both want kids. For many, that biological clock is ticking—loudly. "In some cases they’re waiting to have children," says Mares. "They need to find out [how their partner feels about kids], otherwise they have to find someone else."

Distance can sour these relationships when even one missed phone call sets off all sorts of suspicion and worry. As a result, trust and commitment issues grow unchecked, and unhealthy obsessive behavior—such as leaving repetitive phone messages—can be unleashed. "If you notice these things happening, there’s a problem," says Mares. "It tends to escalate. If one person gets needy, the other might distance themselves. One might have doubts whether [this relationship] is right for them."

How to make a long-distance relationship work

The key to avoiding destructive actions or thoughts is to keep the relationship on track. It takes plenty of effort, but the results speak for themselves. Maintaining the lines of healthy communication between in-person visits is a breeze with today’s social media.Twitter, Facebook, instant messaging (IM) and Skype make connecting with one another easy and affordable. Mares recommends that couples, "find out how they spent their day," and not treat each conversation as a happy-go-lucky extension of a date. Like all successful, healthy relationships, a solid foundation based on the day-to-day sharing of each other’s triumphs and failures is key. 


Consequently, it’s no surprise that if couples don’t communicate fully, their health will begin to suffer. The stress that results from worries over fidelity, trust and where the union is heading can manifest into sleeplessness, weight loss, anxiety and evendepression. While these ailments are concerning, Mares states that there’s no data to suggest that they are dangerous, or life-threatening, but they could facilitate a permanent break-up.

From long-distance to long-term relationship

Ultimately, Mares says, it’s imperative for the health of the couple and their relationship to eventually live together in the same locale to see if their bond can survive normal daily pressures. "It’s not like a weekend where you’re devoted to each other and then longing for each other the rest of the week," she says. "Things might be different when you live together. You need to find out if it’s going to work."

It’s encouraging that marriages following distant courtships have the same success rate as unions established in the same area code—provided they don’t rush down the aisle as soon as they cohabitate. "If they move in together first and it works well," says Mares. "[The future marriage] would work as well as any other marriage.

Original Source

http://www.besthealthmag.ca/embrace-life/relationships/are-long-distance-relationships-healthy

How To Act On A First Date

First dates can be social minefields. Nerves and expectations run high as you both avoid awkward silences and painfully bad jokes. You have to tread a fine line between seeming too interested (read: desperate) and too aloof. If you like your date, you might find yourself agonizing over whether she feels the same; if you don't like her, you might find it a struggle to get through dinner. Either way, be respectful and be yourself. You may find yourself with a new partner or friend




Instructions

1. • 1
     Show up on time. Nothing is more inconsiderate than making your date wait. If you need to reschedule, call as far in advance as possible -- at least a few hours' notice. If you're running even a little late, send a text.
   • 2
     Act natural -- but not too natural. Talk to your date as you would to a friend. You can tell jokes, funny stories and generally be yourself; however, leave potty humor, sex stories and bodily functions at home.
   • 3
     Ask engaging questions. Be creative. Your date will appreciate the chance to go beyond the usual first-date subjects. Ask her about the best meal she ever ate or the worst job she ever had.
   • 4
     Listen. Even if her enthusiasm about a job internship isn't of interest to you, you could still learn something new. Smile and ask engaging follow-up questions. Turn off your cell phone; you can't listen while sending a text or reading restaurant reviews.
   • 5
     Be positive. Stick to fun subjects -- travel, hobbies, good movies -- rather than complaining about your boss, your health or (a real turn-off) your ex. Show your date that you're an easygoing, optimistic person, and she'll be more likely to go on a second date with you.
   • 6
     Be polite. Even if your date is the most boring companion since the high school geometry champ, remember that she still deserves your kindness and respect. Stay for one drink or a cup of coffee and participate in the conversation. Even if it's a challenge, think of it as dating practice.

          Always bring extra cash in case of emergency.

• Avoid bringing up past relationships or talking too much about your last break-up.

Original Source 

http://www.ehow.com/how_2208610_behave-first-date.html

How To Act Confident

Google “how to act confident” and you’ll find dozens of articles with hundreds of tips on this topic. Unfortunately, in most of these articles you won’t find tips that are practical, specific and easy to implement. That’s not the case here. This article is the complete guide with proven knowledge!

Let’s start with the answer to the question why you don’t act confident. It’ll help you get rid of your shyness!

Why you don’t act confident

There are many possible reasons that you’re an insecure person. The most common ones are:

1. Low self-esteem

If you believe that you are inferior to other people (because that’s what low self-esteem is about), it makes you act as an insecure person. Low self-esteem is usually caused by shifting responsibility for your life to other people, underestimating your strengths and overestimating your weaknesses. Low self-esteem is also a result of saying “I have no confidence” which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

2. Avoidance

Avoidance breeds insecurity. If there’s something that you’re scared of and you avoid it, it becomes your fear and makes you less confident. One of the best examples is social avoidance. If you constantly avoid meeting new people, you’ll become afraid of it. As a result, you won’t feel comfortable around people. And then you’ll start looking for tips on how to act confident thinking that you were born shy…

3. Lack of life energy

Lack of confidence is very often caused by living a boring life of routine. If you don’t do anything interesting, don’t have any passions and big goals, you can feel burned out. If you don’t feel energized, it’s very hard to feel confident.

So these are the main reasons of lack of self-confidence. Now you ask me: “so how to act confident”? Here’s a simple step by step plan on how to go about it.

Original Source 

http://flawlessconfidence.com/how-to-act-confident/

When love and terror collide

A quickening heartbeat. Heavy breathing. That rush of adrenaline.

Our physiological responses to lust and fear are so strikingly similar, it's not surprising that we can sometimes confuse one for the other. Or feel both at the same time.

In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, single New Yorkers began to notice a behavioural trend among themselves and their peers.

An article written by Cole Kazdin for Salon not long after the attacks notes this observed increase in sexual hook-ups between friends, strangers and casual acquaintances. This phenom was dubbed "terror sex."

"It sounded so inappropriate," Kazdin wrote. "We are experiencing horror and disbelief at what happened. We are grieving for friends, family and even strangers, who were alive just last week. Thinking about sex in a time of crisis seemed cheap. It reeked of bad-movie cliché: Cue the majestic music. The sounds of war outside as the barrel-chested man comforts the weeping woman. She tells him she doesn't want to sleep alone tonight. 'Hold me,' she cries. And he does."

New Yorkers were feeling exceptionally vulnerable. Sex was their security blanket of choice.

It also provided escapism and a live-for-the-moment sense of vitality; another terror attack could conceivably wipe us out at any moment, and if these are our final hours on earth, then damn it, we are going to spend them in bed with someone attractive!

But our twin physiological responses to fear and sex means that "fight or flight" can sometimes get confused with "take it off right now!" So if you've ever felt frisky during a scary movie, a thunderstorm, a fender-bender or after any other type of moderately traumatizing event, know that you're not alone.

"When you're under pressure or under threat of danger, your whole system boots up," says Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Professor of Sociology at the University of Washington and AARP love and relationships ambassador. "Your adrenaline races. And when you do that, it turns on all of your hormones and all of your nerve endings and for some people, this turns into an erotic response."

Jeffrey, who identifies as queer, was more than a little surprised when his supposedly straight male friend showed more than a friendly interest in him after the pair toured an Eastern European concentration camp together.

"He said it was really difficult for him," Jeffrey recalls. "He knew that much of his family had been (at that particular camp) during the Holocaust, and all but his father had died. His aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins (had not survived). I asked if he wanted to talk about it some more. He shook his head, said no, and kissed me."

As things escalated, Jeffrey tried to stop his friend, knowing full well that he was emotionally distraught and probably not thinking very clearly.

"He whispered, I kid you not, 'I need this.'"

The next morning, his straight friend pretended that the previous night had never happened.

"We said nothing about any of it, and he resumed his straight guy machismo," says Jeffrey. "For the rest of the trip, nothing was said and nothing happened. It was super bizarre."

Jeffrey suspects that his friend equated sex with comfort, and when the immediacy of his heightened emotions had passed, he was too embarrassed to acknowledge what had passed between them.

"People differentially respond to fear," explains Dr. Schwartz. "For some people, it immobilizes them. They can't think. They can't relate. They're too terrified. For other people, they're still operational and they're more likely to get sexually turned on as a life-affirming act."

And what could be more life-affirming than sex?

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/09/06/when-love-and-terror-collide

Miss Venezuela crowned Miss World

LONDON - A human resources graduate from Venezuela, whose ambition is to work with children, was crowned Miss World 2011 at a glittering beauty pageant in London on Sunday.

Ivian Sarcos, 21, took the ultimate beauty accolade at Earls Court in London, the city where the first Miss World was staged in 1951.

Outside the venue, a small feminist demonstration took place, protesting at what they said was an "appalling offense against women's equality."

The beauty contest was broadcast live to more than 150 countries and was watched by a billion viewers, organizers said.

The competition has drawn criticism in recent years for being outdated and little more than a chance to look good in swimwear.

But of the 122 contestants whom Sarcos beat, a quarter are graduates and more than half speak three or more languages.

Sarcos, who currently works for a broadcasting company, said her future ambition was to work with non-governmental organizations and children, according to the Miss World web site.

She has already created her own foundation to help youngsters.

Her hobbies include volleyball, mountaineering and trekking.

One of 13 children, Sarcos said her proudest moment was "when I did my Communion."

Next year's Miss World will be held in China's Inner Mongolia.

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/11/07/miss-venezuela-crowned-miss-world

Mom Or Monster

It’s addicting, disgusting and stupidly popular.

And possibly child abuse.

Fame-hungry, egotistical moms behaving badly on reality TV have us cringing but we tune in, regardless of the scenes of children being exploited by their own parents.

Dance Moms is a recent addition to the frightening cast of poor parenting; Toddlers and Tiaras broadcasts weekly to an audience of more than two million. Kate and her eight are gone but not forgotten… Quints by Surprise replaces Kate cashing in on her kids.

Dance moms squabble, scream, trash one another, cry, rant and rage while studio owner Abby Lee Miller berates and bullies the moms and kids, and the moms let her – all in the name of attention.

These moms have a pathological need to be noticed and admired by others, says Dr. Mark Sichel, author and New York therapist.

“I would definitely call this child abuse and a lack of caring about their children’s well-being and adjustment because their narcissistic needs are so profound that they can distort their behaviour as being good for their children and believe that it makes their children happy,” Sichel says.

Exhibitionism takes centre stage, leaving kids feeling terrible as their needs to be nurtured are neglected, and positive reinforcement for their accomplishments and achievements is non-existent, says Sichel, author of Healing from Family Rifts.

The distorted need to be looked at deprives their children of the joys of childhood.

According to pop culture and media expert Dr. Stuart Fischoff, it’s the “desperation syndrome” in the age of mass media.

“We’re talking about the need - indeed the right - to be a celebrity, to be someone, some one; a need to be cut from the herd of mediocrity and count for something,” says Fischoff, who blogs the Media Zone at Psychologytoday.com.

Sichel says these parents use their children to shore-up deficits in their self-esteem and lack judgment about the potential for disastrous experiences for their children.

“Their hunger to be noticed, to create a splash and feel famous is a dysfunctional way to fill their inner emptiness and need for excitement when they feel their lives are unfulfilling,” he says.

Sichel says the mothers who appear on these shows see their children as extensions of themselves and objects to be used to further their need to be noticed and admired.

“They’re devoid of judgment about the consequences of exposing their children to these experiences and rationalize their behaviour as gifts to their children when their behaviour is exploitative and self-aggrandizing,” adds Sichel, ofMarksichel.com.

Welcome to the “Narcissism Zone” where there’s an urgent need to rise above the anonymous masses, says Fischoff. In this zone, it’s all about “my child, my family, myself. They are one. They are me.”

It’s the neurotic personality trait of our time, says Fischoff. Today’s world is a vast greenroom where everyone is waiting for a chance to be called on stage – be it reality TV, a blog, or YouTube or Facebook. Whatever it takes, parents are willing to pay the price.

“If mothers on Toddlers and Tiaras are pimping their children to get that celebrity, that recognition, so be it. If that means traumatizing their children, so be it and so what!” says Fischoff.

“If that means lying to themselves, their family, their friends, that they’re only ‘doing it for their child and some day they’ll thank me,’ shut up and get out of the way.”

Fundamentally, it’s child abuse. Ultimately, “it all depends on the values of a culture and what's ‘acceptable citizen behaviour,’” Fischoff says.

“A culture that precociously sexualizes its daughters may be as destructive as one which demands clitorectomies, no matter how they spin it. There are many ways to wound our children,” says Fischoff.

Meanwhile, when everyone is doing it, then it becomes less bizarre. Fischoff asks just how sensible is it that the measure of the person is their celebrity quotient or status on Facebook, Twitter or reality television?

Assaults on kids’ self-esteem “have them going through life feeling that their worth is dependent on making their mothers happy and to help their mothers get the attention and need to be noticed gratified,” adds Sichel.

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/11/07/kids-pay-for-a-parents-unrelenting-quest-for-attention