When love and terror collide

A quickening heartbeat. Heavy breathing. That rush of adrenaline.

Our physiological responses to lust and fear are so strikingly similar, it's not surprising that we can sometimes confuse one for the other. Or feel both at the same time.

In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, single New Yorkers began to notice a behavioural trend among themselves and their peers.

An article written by Cole Kazdin for Salon not long after the attacks notes this observed increase in sexual hook-ups between friends, strangers and casual acquaintances. This phenom was dubbed "terror sex."

"It sounded so inappropriate," Kazdin wrote. "We are experiencing horror and disbelief at what happened. We are grieving for friends, family and even strangers, who were alive just last week. Thinking about sex in a time of crisis seemed cheap. It reeked of bad-movie cliché: Cue the majestic music. The sounds of war outside as the barrel-chested man comforts the weeping woman. She tells him she doesn't want to sleep alone tonight. 'Hold me,' she cries. And he does."

New Yorkers were feeling exceptionally vulnerable. Sex was their security blanket of choice.

It also provided escapism and a live-for-the-moment sense of vitality; another terror attack could conceivably wipe us out at any moment, and if these are our final hours on earth, then damn it, we are going to spend them in bed with someone attractive!

But our twin physiological responses to fear and sex means that "fight or flight" can sometimes get confused with "take it off right now!" So if you've ever felt frisky during a scary movie, a thunderstorm, a fender-bender or after any other type of moderately traumatizing event, know that you're not alone.

"When you're under pressure or under threat of danger, your whole system boots up," says Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Professor of Sociology at the University of Washington and AARP love and relationships ambassador. "Your adrenaline races. And when you do that, it turns on all of your hormones and all of your nerve endings and for some people, this turns into an erotic response."

Jeffrey, who identifies as queer, was more than a little surprised when his supposedly straight male friend showed more than a friendly interest in him after the pair toured an Eastern European concentration camp together.

"He said it was really difficult for him," Jeffrey recalls. "He knew that much of his family had been (at that particular camp) during the Holocaust, and all but his father had died. His aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins (had not survived). I asked if he wanted to talk about it some more. He shook his head, said no, and kissed me."

As things escalated, Jeffrey tried to stop his friend, knowing full well that he was emotionally distraught and probably not thinking very clearly.

"He whispered, I kid you not, 'I need this.'"

The next morning, his straight friend pretended that the previous night had never happened.

"We said nothing about any of it, and he resumed his straight guy machismo," says Jeffrey. "For the rest of the trip, nothing was said and nothing happened. It was super bizarre."

Jeffrey suspects that his friend equated sex with comfort, and when the immediacy of his heightened emotions had passed, he was too embarrassed to acknowledge what had passed between them.

"People differentially respond to fear," explains Dr. Schwartz. "For some people, it immobilizes them. They can't think. They can't relate. They're too terrified. For other people, they're still operational and they're more likely to get sexually turned on as a life-affirming act."

And what could be more life-affirming than sex?

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/09/06/when-love-and-terror-collide

Falls' five must-have pieces'

Classic coats, pantsuits, animal prints, leather and shift dresses top the season's must-have list, while bold hues replace the moody, broody and dark colours that traditionally mark the return of cool weather.

"You could walk into a store and think you're in the wrong season because there are a lot of bright colours, floral prints and polka dots that we're not used to seeing in the winter," says Robin Keeler, fashion consultant for shopping centres managed by 20 Vic from coast to coast.

She lists the following as the season's essential pieces:

1. A classic coat with a twist: Though a coat is a big purchase for many women, it's also very functional. "It makes your first fashion impression so a coat has to be right," says Keeler. Simplicity and almost masculine tailoring characterize this season's definitive coat. It's knee length or just below that, and features plenty of detail, such as leather trim, a fur collar, pleating in the back, and simple or oversized buttons.

2. The pantsuit: Out of favour for a number of seasons now, the pantsuit is back with a vengeance. "If you don't have one, this is the season to get one," says Keeler. "The pantsuit is always appropriate, is extremely versatile and is an investment."

Depending on its style, a pantsuit can be powerful, professional or authoritative. It can also be simple and relaxed. A fitted jacket looks great on most body types, giving the body welcome shape. Pinstripes and tweeds are especially hot and feminine touches - such as a ruffled or bow blouse - balance the 'borrowed from the boys' tailoring and fabrics. "A great way to elevate the pantsuit to sexy is to add a killer pair of heels," says Keeler. "Add a pop of red underneath a dark suit or complete your look with a great red bag, shoes or lips."

3. An animal print: Leopard, cheetah or snakeskin have become classics but head-to-toe animal print is never good and can look very cartoonish. "One great piece will do quite nicely, such as a beautiful leopard print pencil skirt combined with a red jacket," Keeler says.

"You can tone down the animal print with solid neutral colours. Keep shapes fairly simple - not too many ruffles." Hesitant about wearing this trend? Accessories are a great way to bring out your inner animal but don't go overboard: if you're wearing an animal print jacket or skirt, resist the temptation to wear matching animal print shoes.

4. A piece of leather: As always, leather gives anything you wear an instant edge. Leather embellished with studs and chains creates a real rocker feel and is carried over from seasons past - though it should never be worn to the office. Instead, choose something like a knee-length leather skirt (as long as it's not too tight, Keeler cautions) paired with a cardigan or jacket. A jacket, dress, leggings and pants are other options. "Stick to classic shapes and earth-tone colours, which are so easy to integrate into a wardrobe," says Keeler. "Like animal prints, never wear leather head to toe."

5. '60s inspired minimal shift dress: It's a big season for dresses and few are as versatile as the shift dress, says Keeler. A sleeveless shift dress worn with a fitted, light gauge turtleneck sweater underneath becomes a jumper that looks fabulous with tights and flats. Pair it with a jacket and pumps for the office; dress it up with bold accessories and sexy heels for an evening on the town. Best of all, the shift dress looks great on most body types and comes in a huge variety of options, including bright colours, dark neutrals, leather, tweed and herringbone. Groovy!

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/09/28/falls-five-must-have-pieces

Miss Venezuela crowned Miss World

LONDON - A human resources graduate from Venezuela, whose ambition is to work with children, was crowned Miss World 2011 at a glittering beauty pageant in London on Sunday.

Ivian Sarcos, 21, took the ultimate beauty accolade at Earls Court in London, the city where the first Miss World was staged in 1951.

Outside the venue, a small feminist demonstration took place, protesting at what they said was an "appalling offense against women's equality."

The beauty contest was broadcast live to more than 150 countries and was watched by a billion viewers, organizers said.

The competition has drawn criticism in recent years for being outdated and little more than a chance to look good in swimwear.

But of the 122 contestants whom Sarcos beat, a quarter are graduates and more than half speak three or more languages.

Sarcos, who currently works for a broadcasting company, said her future ambition was to work with non-governmental organizations and children, according to the Miss World web site.

She has already created her own foundation to help youngsters.

Her hobbies include volleyball, mountaineering and trekking.

One of 13 children, Sarcos said her proudest moment was "when I did my Communion."

Next year's Miss World will be held in China's Inner Mongolia.

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/11/07/miss-venezuela-crowned-miss-world

Mom Or Monster

It’s addicting, disgusting and stupidly popular.

And possibly child abuse.

Fame-hungry, egotistical moms behaving badly on reality TV have us cringing but we tune in, regardless of the scenes of children being exploited by their own parents.

Dance Moms is a recent addition to the frightening cast of poor parenting; Toddlers and Tiaras broadcasts weekly to an audience of more than two million. Kate and her eight are gone but not forgotten… Quints by Surprise replaces Kate cashing in on her kids.

Dance moms squabble, scream, trash one another, cry, rant and rage while studio owner Abby Lee Miller berates and bullies the moms and kids, and the moms let her – all in the name of attention.

These moms have a pathological need to be noticed and admired by others, says Dr. Mark Sichel, author and New York therapist.

“I would definitely call this child abuse and a lack of caring about their children’s well-being and adjustment because their narcissistic needs are so profound that they can distort their behaviour as being good for their children and believe that it makes their children happy,” Sichel says.

Exhibitionism takes centre stage, leaving kids feeling terrible as their needs to be nurtured are neglected, and positive reinforcement for their accomplishments and achievements is non-existent, says Sichel, author of Healing from Family Rifts.

The distorted need to be looked at deprives their children of the joys of childhood.

According to pop culture and media expert Dr. Stuart Fischoff, it’s the “desperation syndrome” in the age of mass media.

“We’re talking about the need - indeed the right - to be a celebrity, to be someone, some one; a need to be cut from the herd of mediocrity and count for something,” says Fischoff, who blogs the Media Zone at Psychologytoday.com.

Sichel says these parents use their children to shore-up deficits in their self-esteem and lack judgment about the potential for disastrous experiences for their children.

“Their hunger to be noticed, to create a splash and feel famous is a dysfunctional way to fill their inner emptiness and need for excitement when they feel their lives are unfulfilling,” he says.

Sichel says the mothers who appear on these shows see their children as extensions of themselves and objects to be used to further their need to be noticed and admired.

“They’re devoid of judgment about the consequences of exposing their children to these experiences and rationalize their behaviour as gifts to their children when their behaviour is exploitative and self-aggrandizing,” adds Sichel, ofMarksichel.com.

Welcome to the “Narcissism Zone” where there’s an urgent need to rise above the anonymous masses, says Fischoff. In this zone, it’s all about “my child, my family, myself. They are one. They are me.”

It’s the neurotic personality trait of our time, says Fischoff. Today’s world is a vast greenroom where everyone is waiting for a chance to be called on stage – be it reality TV, a blog, or YouTube or Facebook. Whatever it takes, parents are willing to pay the price.

“If mothers on Toddlers and Tiaras are pimping their children to get that celebrity, that recognition, so be it. If that means traumatizing their children, so be it and so what!” says Fischoff.

“If that means lying to themselves, their family, their friends, that they’re only ‘doing it for their child and some day they’ll thank me,’ shut up and get out of the way.”

Fundamentally, it’s child abuse. Ultimately, “it all depends on the values of a culture and what's ‘acceptable citizen behaviour,’” Fischoff says.

“A culture that precociously sexualizes its daughters may be as destructive as one which demands clitorectomies, no matter how they spin it. There are many ways to wound our children,” says Fischoff.

Meanwhile, when everyone is doing it, then it becomes less bizarre. Fischoff asks just how sensible is it that the measure of the person is their celebrity quotient or status on Facebook, Twitter or reality television?

Assaults on kids’ self-esteem “have them going through life feeling that their worth is dependent on making their mothers happy and to help their mothers get the attention and need to be noticed gratified,” adds Sichel.

Original Source

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/11/07/kids-pay-for-a-parents-unrelenting-quest-for-attention

Winter coats don't sacrifice fashion for function

With predictions of another cold winter on the way, thoughts of staying warm and looking good are top of mind.

It’s a season that showcases plenty of sophisticated and elegant style, with classic and modern coat silhouettes flourishing in both plain and fancy materials such as leather, mohair, camel hair, shearling and faux fur.

“Leather definitely makes a strong comeback this season, with the key focus on duffel coats, parkas, aviators, trenches and hourglass shapes. New treatments such as quilted leather, leather bonded to faux fur and leather combined with wool … creates contemporary looks,” says Joann Schelstratte, a senior designer at Danier.

“There’s also a trend toward longer lengths. Shorter jackets are getting longer and the full-length leather coat definitely calls out drama,” Schelstratte says.

Leather, shearling and both real and faux fur are used jointly and severally in many designer collections, including those of Derek Lam, Jean Paul Gaultier, Michael Kors, Alexander McQueen, Alexander Wang, Gucci and, closer to home, labels Harricana, Rudsak, and Soia & Kyo.

Basic black, tan and brown are no- fail favorites for both fur and leather, but neutrals of grey and taupe are also getting plenty of play along with a few bright shades.

White leather makes unexpected and refreshingly modern style statements, while caramel and burgundy leather tie into the season’s many updates on '70s styles.

Shades of cobalt blue, vibrant red, emerald green, orange, violet and turquoise also up the ante in runway-influenced fur, leather and fabric outerwear.

Shaggy faux and real fur take turns trimming cuffs, collars and hem lines and take centre stage on coats fashioned entirely from the plush stuff.

If leather, woollens and fur don’t grab you, quilted nylon puffers and down materials all fall in for another season.

“If you can buy just one coat, I’d recommend a belted coat in a knee or just-below-the-knee length. Belted and shaped styles give down coats more sexy shapely silhouettes. Don’t be afraid to brighten winter by moving away from black into brighter fashion shades and neutrals such as camel and clay,” suggests Ilan Elfassy, a designer at Montreal-based Soia & Kyo.

Ladylike retro-inspired silhouettes and details make for the strong revival of classic wool coats, as well as capes and refined ponchos.

“There are '60s and '70s influences in coat shapes such as those with Balmacaan and cocoon styling along with reefer and duffle coats. Classic coat shapes and capes are both moving forward and we’ll continue to see them all next fall,” says Tamar Matossian, a general manager at Lundstrom.

Double-breasted reefer and belted trench coats are among the most popular silhouettes, some of which are dolled up with fancy oversized buttons, stand up collars and textures like tweed and boiled wool.

Asymmetrical zippers and toggle closures are among the other popular features on some winter coats.

Floral prints and wildcat patterns are coming on strong while more casual outerwear may display checks and bold Southwestern-inspired patterns.

Original Source:

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/11/04/winter-coats-dont-sacrifice-fashion-for-function